The 8 Step Listening Process
The School of Good Listening has developed a useful framework that promotes healing from the inside out. This Eight-Step Listening Process is summarised below.
The Listening Process is a sequence of steps in healing that first takes you from building inner awareness and self-regulation, to cultivating greater interpersonal presence and connection, and, finally, to achieving constructive dialogue that can bridge differences.
It can be broken down into these eight steps:
Attention
‘Like it or not, this moment is all we really have to work with.’ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Attention and self-observation are a major focus of our work. We believe that what you focus on creates your experience and that choosing your focus wisely is the key to a good life. Through paying close attention to our thoughts, feelings, and our bodies in the present moment, we can learn a lot about what aspects of our experience are within our control and open to change. We are also better able to identify which parts of our experience truly belong to the present moment and which parts are shaped by the past. Through short rituals of listening to ourselves regularly, we build a new awareness that transforms us.
2. Acceptance and Non-Judgment
‘Healing is a coming to terms with things as they are.’ Jon Kabat-Zinn
As we become more attentive to what is going on within us, we notice an endless stream of thoughts around liking and disliking aspects of our experience. An overly judging mind can interfere with seeing things as they actually are.
Many of us can identify a critical inner voice that judges our own thoughts, feelings, and reactions far more harshly than we would judge those of others. Harsh self-judgement can prevent us from seeing our own fundamental worth and block us from showing up in the world in a more authentic and peaceful way.
When we develop a more accepting and non-judging orientation, we can act with more clarity and in a more ethical manner, towards others but also towards ourselves. We usually become more balanced in our thinking and effective in what we do when we accept that our minds are constantly engaged in a stream of liking and disliking.
Accepting and not judging ourselves or how our minds work allows us to make healthy choices and mobilise our true potential.
3. Self-Compassion
Self-compassion means giving yourself the same compassion you would naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself. It helps you acknowledge what is difficult in your life and to ask: How can I comfort- and care for myself in this moment? We are able to map out resources and supports that meet our needs when things get difficult.
4. Self-Regulation
With better self-regulation we become more grounded, calm, and clear-headed when faced with difficult situations and can apply more wisdom in choosing our responses. The pioneering work of Jon Kabat-Zinn (MBSR), Dan Siegel (interpersonal neurobiology), Kristin Neff (Mindful Self-Compassion), Steven Porges (polyvagal theory), Gabor Mate (compassionate inquiry), Bessel van der Kolk (trauma therapy), Richard Schwartz (internal family systems theory), and Paul Gilbert (compassion-focused therapy) all provide valuable perspectives and effective tools covered in the Listening Process.
5. Good Listening
Learning to tune in to what our friends, partners, or children are expressing, beyond their words and obvious behaviours, allows us to understand them more deeply and strengthens our connection with them. Our ability to be present and attuned is a powerful tool in regulating each other’s emotions.
‘We do things for the one we love, but sometimes just being there expresses even deeper love. Give the gift of your full presence.’ – Haemin Sunim
6. Shared Humanity
We all share the same basic needs. We all have tricky brains, cannot escape our imperfections, and know suffering well.
Greater self-awareness opens us up to seeing our shared experience, our inherent interdependence, and the far-reaching influences of our behaviours on our environment.
We can more clearly identify what helps us and hinders us from being grounded in authenticity.
7. Social Safety and Connection
Connecting with a sense of shared humanity can leave us feeling a lot safer around each other. We thereby become better at accessing resources in the world and appreciate the powerful influence social context can have on our behaviour.
We gain more perspective on the stories that lie behind other people’s actions and are more able to spread benevolence and nonjudgement beyond ourselves.
Through the foundational skill of good listening and a compassionate mindset, we can build more caring societies at large. Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Model and Systems Theory inform our thinking on this topic.
8. Building Strong Communities
‘Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice.’ Baruch Spinoza
Modeling good listening has far-reaching effects. It can lead to a collective sense of social safety that kicks off a virtuous circle of ever more refined listening and constructive dialogue. We are inspired by Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, compassion-based approaches of Dr. Gabor Maté, the conscious parenting proposed by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, and the sensitive couples work of Dr. Richard Schwartz and Esther Perel.